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Sunday, May 10, 2009

A Mothers Love


Today is Mothers Day and in many ways it was a really beautiful day. I spent time with my husband and some friends snorkeling. We spent all weekend hiking, snorkeling,sharing meals,laughing together and watching a fun tribute to James Taylor on DVD. I received a lovely card from my loving husband and a very heartfelt expressive card from my sweetheart son along with a Barnes and Noble gift card. Yeah...smart guy!
The not so feel good part of this day is the wound in my heart from my daughter not wanting to relate with me right now. My daughter Amber,who is now 27 was calling me at least once a day for a very long time. We were very close not only as mother-daughter but as friends.
It was a relationship I valued and was a fulfilling part of my life. Over a year ago the phone calls stopped abruptly. I called to find out why and got no response. She refuses to let me know why and has cut off all contact. She does relate with her grandmother (my mother) but will not tell her the reason why either. I haven't given up trying to communicate with her.
It has been the most devastating,hurtful thing I've ever dealt with in my life.So today on Mothers Day I feel part of my heart full and a part of my heart empty and sad. It is an interesting place to be.
I continue to enjoy my life and continue to have fun.There still is, always that place that is sad and I'm not sure what to do with the feelings of loss. It's not like I can mourn and get over it like with a death, because she is not dead but then I really don't know if she will ever want to be in my life again and I don't know why. It's been pure torture.
A Mothers Love is unconditional. When you've been a mother you open your heart beyond belief and that includes being vulnerable to having your heart broken and part of mine has a deep crack in it right now.
Well the universe has an interesting way of helping us deal with things. This morning I was walking on the beach with a friend and we met a young man (about my daughters age) sitting on the beach. He's originally from Italy but now lives in Hawaii. He mentioned that he missed things about Italy and that he really missed his mom. On my walk I had picked up 4 pieces of coral that were shaped like hearts. I collect heart shaped rocks and coral. I reached into my pocket and handed him a heart shaped coral and told him it was from his mother. I told him to remember that a mothers love is always in your heart no matter where she might be. He almost cried and put his hand over his heart and said he had goose bumps. It touched me to be able to touch him that way.
I believe things happen for a reason and that I 'm responsible for all that comes my way on some level. Some positive things with the situation with my daughter are that she is still living, she's not using drugs and is a hard working responsible person. We've shared a lot of loving, fun, good times together that I appreciate.
I've realized that I don't need to have the person be present to love them. I 've learned to continue to love and enjoy my life even in an emotionally challenging time.
I trust that all will turn out even better than it was before and that there is light at the end of this tunnel.

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